Welcome to our Questions & Answers page. Our
question submission form is on our
home page. We are eager to hear from you! As our
readers submit questions regarding behavior charts, parenting or tackling tricky
behaviors, we will have them available on our question pages for you to read. We can
all learn a thing or two from each other! Just click on the question topic
below to jump to that specific question! Remember that our response to you
will be limited if you don't share enough information. Note: We cannot
answer questions thoroughly or make up appropriate charts for you if we don't
have enough information about your situation.
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(Disclaimer: The
information on freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com is for
educational purposes only and should not be considered
to be medical advice. It is not meant to replace the
advice of a health care provider. All advice and information should be considered
to be incomplete without a visit to your health care
provider.)
My wife and I cannot figure out our 14-year-old
daughter's anger and hate. She is failing her freshman year. She is a very
intelligent young lady. She loves to be active in sports and most other extra
curricular activities. We are not sure what is wrong or what to do. -Jim,
Illinois
Jim,
It's unfortunate that your daughter is having some difficulties. This must be
very trying for you and your wife. Unfortunately, there is not enough
information to appropriately assess your situation. Is this angry behavior new
for your daughter? If so, you will want to take note of any changes that have
happened in her life. Has there been a move, a loss of a good friend, a death in
the family, or serious illness in the family...anything that may contribute to a
change in behavior? How about her peer group? Are you familiar with the kids
that make up her peer group? She may have some new friends this first year of
high school that are proving to be a negative influence. Make sure that you have
a chance to meet her friends and their parents. When she goes out with friends,
know where she will be and when she will be home. Do you suspect any drug use?
If so, you'll want to get her in for an assessment with a drug treatment
specialist.
Of
course, school personnel can be very helpful with an assessment of your
daughter. You should schedule a meeting and check in with her teachers.
Find out how she is doing in class. Is she withdrawn, fooling around, or
not paying attention? Or, is she making an effort in class but falling
behind for other reasons? You may want to develop a plan of action with
the school staff and make a point to monitor her class work more closely.
Many schools have assignments and grades posted online which makes it easier for
parents to access their child's information. Parents sometimes have to try
a bit harder to connect with high school teachers than they did at the
elementary level. Make that effort. Get to know her teachers and
form a united front to help your daughter succeed.
You mentioned that she loves sports and extracurricular activities. First and
foremost, she should not be permitted to be involved in extracurriculars if she
cannot maintain her grades. Most high schools have academic expectations before
allowing kids to participate in sports. And, you can set some rules regarding
other extracurricular events, too. This consequence may be enough to help her
turn around her behavior if she really enjoys the after school activities.
Also, we work with the
The Total Transformationprogram developed by
James Lehman. Jim worked with difficult teens for 30+ years and developed the DVD
parenting program based on his experience as a family therapist. You may want to
check it out. Many parents claim to have had lots of success with the program.
And, if your daughter continues to act out, you may want to seek the help of a
family therapist. A family counselor can give you and your wife support as
parents along with working directly with your daughter. A therapist may be able
to open up some communication with your daughter.
Finally, our website mantra is catch your kids being good. It's way too easy to
get into a negative cycle as parents and only let your kids know when they are
being difficult. Every time you see some positive behavior let your daughter
know you appreciate her efforts. We have some "Caught You Coupons" on our
website which work well. Just hand your daughter a coupon when you notice
something positive. She may even be surprised if she is used to getting into
negative interactions with you. Sometimes, kids will change behavior just to
continue receiving positive attention.
Jim, hope this helps a bit. Best of luck with your daughter and again, if the
situation doesn't change, you may want to seek the help of a family therapist.
And don't forget to check our behavior management articles. You can find a list
of articles in our left navigation bar under the title of "Behavior Management".
There may be some tips in the article "Why Don't Consequences Work For My Teen?
Here's Why.... and How To Fix It".
Best of luck with your daughter. You've done a great job trying to tackle
this problem early on, before it gets out of hand!
How
to stop tinkling in bed -Milomo, AZ
Milomo,
Thank you for your question. We do not have enough information to accurately
help you with this issue. The child's age and circumstances would greatly affect
our response. What we can do to help is direct you to the some articles on our
website. You may want to check out
Potty Training Accidents to get some tips.
In addition, you may want to try one of our behavior charts for positive
reinforcement. We have a specific chart for bedwetting that you can find here. You can
reward your child every time she wakes up with a dry bed. Depending on the age
of the child, you can either reward him immediately after marking the chart or
reward him every few days if she is an older child. Also, make sure to give your
child lots of positive reinforcement for doing a good job. Verbal praise is a
powerful tool! Best of luck with your situation.
I feel that my 12 year old daughter isn't
honest with me when it comes to boys and that in a way is scaring me. The other
day I got hold of her phone and read the msgs she and a boy from school had.
Many times I thought there was something going on and I asked her more then once
but she kept saying he is a good friend like a brother. I never told her I read
her msgs. I also told her many times that I don't have a problem with her having
a boyfriend but would like to know everything. I'm just very scared with her
making wrong choices. I don't want to be too strict but I also don't want to be
her friend. I want her to understand that I'm her mother who is there for her
whenever she needs. We really haven't had that very important girl daughter talk
as I really don't know from where to start and how much to reveal at that age.
Please help. -Roula, Lebanon
Roula,
You sound like a very sensitive and understanding parent. Your daughter is very
lucky. Your approach with your daughter will depend on the accepted norms in
your culture. How a parent might approach her 12-year-old daughter may be
different in the United States versus Lebanon. We can list some general
guidelines, but it's up to you to decide what is the appropriate approach based
on your culture.
First, you can use everyday examples to bring up the topics of dating and
relationships in conversation. If you see a couple walking together, you might
ask your daughter if any of her friends are becoming interested in being a
"couple". Or, if you see any example of dating in the movies or television, you
might ask your daughter how she feels about dating or if her friends are talking
about dating at this time.
Make sure that you take time to listen as well. Parents sometimes get into
lecture mode when it comes to talking about dating and sex with their children.
Give your daughter a chance to speak, and be patient. This topic can be
uncomfortable and embarrassing for teens and preteens. She may not be very
talkative at first, but if you gently continue to pursue conversation and be a
good listener, she will come around.
Share some of the experiences and feelings that you had as a girl her age. When
parents share their own life experiences, their children begin to see them less
as authority figures and more as someone who understands. Talking about your own
experiences can be a good way to start a conversation, too. You might say
something like, "I remember when I was 12, I really liked this boy...." That
should get your daughter's attention!
And throughout your discussions, share your value system with your daughter. Let
her know how you feel about dating, sex, and marriage. Again, you can do this
without lecturing but through gentle conversation. Lecturing will only
intimidate her and make her less likely to share any thoughts or feelings with
you. Also, since you let her know that you would allow her to have a boyfriend,
be open about your expectations. What does it mean to have a boyfriend at her
age and what are your expectations? Will you need to meet this boy and have him
over to dinner? Will a parent be joining her on outings with this boy? Maybe she
can see the boy as long as it's at your home. She'll appreciate knowing that you
are open to her having a male friend, but lay out your expectations, too.
In addition, get a sense of what her peers think and feel about boys and dating.
Try to discuss peer pressure and the importance of making her own decisions as
opposed to giving in to behavior that her friends expect of her.
How much you discuss sexual activity depends on your culture and what
information you feel that a girl of 12 should have. Knowledge is strength and
good decision making comes from a good knowledge base. If you feel comfortable
doing so, discuss sex in a frank, open way. Share your value system and what you
think is acceptable. Most important, let her know that you will always be
available to answer any questions and listen if she has a concern. It sounds
like you are doing this already!
Roula, you are doing a great job. Be patient. Your daughter will come around.
Just remember not to be too overbearing or pushy about discussing boys. The more
you push, the more she will feel like hiding her relationship and sneaking
around. As mentioned, try to bring discussion up casually and by sharing your
own experiences. Be persistent. If she is not too excited to discuss boys at
first, take a break and give it some time. Then, try again at another time. With
patience, love, and support, you and your daughter will be able to have open,
healthy discussions about relationships.
I'm struggling to get my 2 year old to potty
train. At school he'll go with the undies but as soon as he gets home he messes
in his pants. What should I try as I'm pulling hair out already?? -Diana, South
Africa
Diana,
First, it sounds like your son is on the right potty training path. Potty
training is not a linear process for all kids. Instead, kids may progress and
regress throughout the process. It's easy to point that out on our end but very
frustrating if you are a parent struggling with your toddler! Most important is
to stay calm. It sounds like you are becoming frustrated. Don't forget that kids
can easily sense anger, stress, and worry in parents. This can cause stress for
the child and in turn cause a regression in the behavior that parents are trying
to achieve. Your son may feel less pressure at school and as a result be more
willing to use the potty. So first and foremost, try to relax and have fun with
the potty training process. In addition, if a child knows that he is
pushing a parent's buttons by refusing to potty train, he may continue. Remember
that 2-year-olds are exploring their independence and learning how their
behavior affects others. He may feel some control and independence in the home
by refusing to use the potty. As frustrating as this is for parents, it's a very
normal stage for a child of his age.
We have several good articles on our website regarding potty training. You
should check out
Potty training Boys,
Nine Fun Ways To Potty Train Your Child,
and Creative
Potty Training Tips. For consistency, try using a potty training
chart. Use the same chart at school and at home. Have your son's teacher
complete the chart every time he uses the toilet at school and then pick the
chart up every day and continue using it at home. Give your son an immediate
reward when he uses the potty...both at school and home. Though he's already
using the potty at school, the reward/chart consistency is important. As your
son is only 2, the reward needs to be immediate. He won't understand the concept
of earning a long term reward. And, you can do something simple such as a
sticker, piece of candy, or one of our potty training
reward coupons. We would be happy to make up a coupon with your
son's favorite character if you'd like!
As mentioned, don't get into power struggles with him over the potty. Simply say
something like, "Oh, you didn't use the potty that time. I guess you don't get a
sticker. Maybe next time." And drop it there. And when he uses the potty,
remember to praise, praise, praise. The praise will encourage him to try again!
Best of luck with potty training. Remember to let us know if we can make up any
special potty training charts or coupons. With time, love, and patience you son
will potty train just fine!
Why do mature, social children tell their
parents that they do not have any friends at school, when they do have friends?
-Julie, WI
Julie,
For some reason, the child may not feel close to her friends or may have had
some turbulent times with friends which is causing the perception that she
doesn't have any friends. As you know, children's friendships go through many
changes, and even though on the outside you see a social child, the child may
not feel connected with peers. In addition, as children enter preteen/teenage
years, they may over dramatize situations and interpret a disagreement with some
friends as having no friends at all. Also, kids may try to create an inaccurate
picture for adults in order to gain attention. In the end, the way to find some
answers is to have a talk with the child in a supportive, calm manner. Remember,
the child may truly perceive herself as having no friends. Your role is
the provide support and understanding in trying to figure out the situation and
help this child problem solve. Even if the child is lying about friendships,
it's important to understand why she feels the need to be dishonest. What is
the goal, and what is she trying to gain? A family or school counselor might
be a very helpful resource when trying to weed out the truth of the situation.
I am having problems with my 11 year old son. He
talks back to me and he has anger problems with his siblings. If they don't play
with him he gets very upset and hits them. I feel like I lost control of him and
his attitude is affecting the whole family. -Eugenia, California
Eugenia,
First, has your son's behavior problem been ongoing or did it pop up recently?
If he has suddenly had a drastic change in behavior, then you may need to look
at what is causing this change. Disruptions in life such as divorce, death in
the family, a move, or school issues can contribute to sudden changes in
behavior. When children become stressed and upset, they may demonstrate these
emotions through their behavior instead of expressing the emotions verbally.
And, if you can pinpoint the source of his stress or anxiety, then you can try
talking with him about the situation. If you have trouble talking with your son,
you can find a qualified family counselor who can help open up communication
with him.
Next, you definitely need to set up a behavior system for him as his behavior is
out of control. We have recently added a new page of behavior contracts that
would be appropriate for a child of his age. You can set up a contract with him
and lay out consequences and rewards in writing. You can use the
general
behavior contract and target the behaviors of getting along with siblings
and improving his attitude around the house. Sit down with him calmly and
have him help draw up the contract and think of rewards and consequences for his
behavior. Often times, behavior systems work much better when children can
participate in setting them up. You can also look at some of our behavior charts
for ages 11+ on
this page. You can use one of these behavior charts or try out a
point system for good behavior. You can find an example of using the point
system
here. We also have a great page of
anger management resources that might
be helpful. You can post some our the
Calm Down Strategies and talk with him
about how he can express his anger in a healthy way as opposed to taking it out
on his siblings.
Also, don't get into arguments and battles with your son. Kids this age can be
very combative and invite conflict. The more you battle with him, the more he
feels rewarded. Simply set up a behavior system and refer to it when he's not
doing a good job. And when he is doing a good job, notice. We all need to hear
positive feedback and sometimes parents get into a negative cycle with their
kids and only notice negative behaviors. You can even try using our
Caught You
Coupons. Hand him a coupon when you see that he is doing something positive and
say, "Great job!".
The Total Transformation may be a helpful program for you. It's like having a
parenting class in your own home and was developed by James Lehman who had 20+
years experience working with kids and teenagers. If you need some
additional support, don't hesitate to find a family counselor who can work with
your family and individually with your son. Counselors can be a great source of
support and ideas for families.
Best of luck with your son!
Why can't I print one for my child? -Carole,
Virginia
Carole, as you didn't leave an email address or
give any other information we have no way of knowing why you are having
difficulty printing our behavior charts. Many people find that they are
having Adobe Reader problems. You can update your Adobe Reader on this page.
After updating, many people find that their problems with printing/viewing our
charts disappear. If this doesn't work, please drop us an email at
this address so we can do some problem
solving with you!
My granddaughter did not want to brush her teeth.
She was told that she would not get a bedtime story, which she loves. She did
not seem to care. What could be done differently. -Brenda, U.S.A.
Brenda,
We have a helpful article called
"Getting Kids To Brush Teeth" that you'll
want to take a look at. In addition, a
tooth care chart might be a great idea.
Depending on your granddaughter's age, you can give her a treat daily, after she
marks her chart, or at the end of the week, if she brushes every day. Treats can
include things like stickers, pencils, markers, or dollar store items. See our
list of rewards here.
In addition, we have just added some Brush Teeth Bucks on our page of Behavior Bucks.
You can hand her one of these every time she brushes her teeth. Then, she can
cash them in for a treat. You can decide how many bucks will earn what type of
treats. This is really fun for kids and can also help teach lessons in counting
and saving/spending. Also, we've made up some Caught You Coupons
titled "I Brushed My Teeth". These can be handed out as a way to show you've
noticed some great behavior. Best of luck with getting your granddaughter on the
right track to tooth care!
