Beat The
Back To School Power Struggle In 30 Days
(The Secret? Start Now!)
I've worked with many parents and children caught up in power struggles
in the home-they argued over bedtime, homework, curfew, video game time-you name
it, they fought over it. And the more these parents fought with their children,
the better at arguing and manipulating situations their children seemed to get.
Mothers and fathers came to me exhausted, frustrated and desperate to stop the
constant tug-of-war going on in their homes. Toward the end of every summer, I
could be sure to hear from parents who were worried about getting their children
back into the school routine, and many were anxious that any ground they'd
gained the year before had been lost over summer break-which I believe is a very
valid concern.
Often, the time off that kids have from school in
the summer time is a period where they get out of the routine of going to school
full time, as well as the habit of taking care of all their other family and
social responsibilities. When school starts again-with many parents trying to
get kids back into their schedules the week classes begin-it often results in a
power struggle. It really is a big waste of time and energy to spend September
working out the problems you've already solved last year. Here are some
suggestions on how to avoid those power struggles-or at least, how to work
through them effectively.
Back-to-School Routine: Start the Daily Schedule Now: Start the school schedule
a month ahead of time. Write out the schedule on a piece of paper. Using that as
a guideline, list the time your child will get up, have breakfast, leave for
school, and what time they'll get home, have dinner, do homework, have free
time, and go to bed. Then begin by slowly implementing that schedule 30 days
before they start school. For children with ODD, Attention Deficit Disorder, and
other behavioral issues, implementing a plan is a must, although they may be
resistant. It's important to stress that if your child has these kind of
behavioral issues, getting into this routine may very well reduce their stress
and anxiety, even if their initial reaction to it is negative.
Get Them in the Habit of Waking up on Time: 30 days before school starts, at
least once a week, have your child set their alarm clock and get up at the
regular school wake-up time. If you can, make it a special morning. Maybe take
an early outing, or have a pancake breakfast, or arrange a board game
tournament. While using the outing or breakfast as the reward for getting up,
make sure they understand that getting up as practice for school is what is
being rewarded.
It's important for kids to know that when something's important to you as a
parent, you want it to be practiced and rehearsed. There's a difference between
something being important to you as a parent and kids knowing that something's
important to you as parent. Raising their level of awareness is often crucial
for them to learn your values and what you consider good or wrong.
Each week as school gets closer, increase the morning routine to two days a
week, three days a week, and then four days a week during the week before school
begins. Needless to say, you won't be able to make all of these mornings
special, but perhaps you can take one day a week to recognize your child's
progress in a special way.
Get in the Bedtime Routine, too: Several weeks before school begins, start
implementing the evening schedule in its entirety each evening, except on
weekends for school-aged children. Replace homework time with reading, game
playing, videos, or computer time. And by computer, I don't mean computer games
or instant messaging. The goal is for your child to adjust to a certain time
period every night which is not characterized by over-stimulation and
excitement. Be certain that you implement bedtime in particular, as this becomes
a big sticking point at the beginning of the school year. During the summer,
your kids have gotten out of the habit of going to bed at a regular time. Be
forewarned that this transition may be very difficult for adolescents.
Use Bedtime Tools: I always recommend that parents get kids technical wake-up
tools such as alarm clocks. I think you can start using one when your child goes
to pre-school or even daycare, if he or she goes for a half or whole day. Be
sure to pick one that has an alarm which is not startling (which will actually
raise the child's level of anxiety) but will still manage to get your child's
attention. In the evening, show them how to set the clock. And in the morning
when the clock goes off, if you still have to wake them up, have them get out of
bed and shut it off themselves. So what I'm suggesting for parents of younger
children is that you show your child how to set the alarm clock at night. Then,
the next morning after the alarm rings, you go in to wake your child up. Once
your child is awake, have them get up and turn off the alarm. (Do not teach kids
how to set the snooze control!) This way, children are working with an alarm
long before they have the capability of using it exclusively as a wake-up tool.
Of course, if your child is anywhere from a third grader up to a high schooler,
the learning process where you wake your child up after the alarm goes off
should be shortened. For younger kids, you should go in and wake them yourself
for two weeks after the alarm goes off, and for high schoolers, do it for just
three days. After that, your child should be held responsible for getting up
with the alarm and held accountable if they don't. That being said, kids of any
age need to be checked in on during their morning routine to make sure they're
staying on task and not distracted by something else.
Although a lot of resistance can be expected from children, it's better to deal
with it before the pressure of the school schedule routine actually occurs. As
parents, we can't always choose what kids are going to be resistant or reactive
about. But it's more convenient for us if we can choose the time when that
reactivity occurs. For instance, if we know a child is going to react negatively
to something we have to say, we shouldn't tell them at the mall, we should tell
them when we get home. If you can, try to choose the time they're going to be
resistant or reactive.
I hope these suggestions are helpful to you as your child starts the school
year. I have found that easing your child into the back-to-school schedule helps
to make it a less stressful, smoother transition for everyone-and a good way to
start the school year off on the right foot. (Beat The Back To School Power
Struggle In 30 Days reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents)
by James
Lehman
About the Author:
For three decades, behavioral therapist James
Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems.
He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and
adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind
a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his
approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private
practice and now through
The Total Transformation -- a
comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media program that makes learning James'
techniques remarkably easy and helps you change your child's behavior
www.TheTotalTransformation.com
