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I have a 7 (8 in August) year old stepson.
Between the both of us we have 7 kids; ranging from 20 down to the youngest
which are both 7 . My stepson is a PS fanatic. When their allowed time to play
is over, or if he is outside or just doing any activity; he has a bowel movement
in his pants. We have taken toys and privileges away. We get him every other
weekend and once a week and then have a regular summer visitation of 45 days. It
seems like he has more of "these accidents" if we have not been able to get them
for a week or 2 due to schedules of either parent. We have asked why he does it
and he says because he does not want to stop playing. Several times, he has been
within feet of the bathroom! What else can we do? Please help? -Stacey, USA
We have a great article on nonretentive encopresis
or when a child refuses to have a bowel movement in the toilet. You can find the
article on this page.
First, you need to take your stepson to a family physician so any physical
problems can be ruled out. Also, a good physician will have some further
treatment recommendations, and if the problem is behavioral, may have some
counseling recommendations.
If the problem is ruled to be purely behavioral, you may want to seek the help
and support of a qualified specialist such as a family therapist who can guide
you through the behavioral intervention with your son. You also need to have
open communication with his mother to compare notes and see if this behavior is
happening at his other home, too. All of you will need to be on the same page
when using a behavior plan.
At home, you can take some steps to help your son become comfortable using the
toilet all the time. First, make sure that his stool is soft and well formed.
You want to rule out any issues with constipation. Painful bowel movements due
to constipation can discourage a child from using the toilet in a traditional
way. And if he needs a bit of help with stool softening, you can change his diet
to include increased fiber and water to ensure soft stools. Next, schedule daily
toilet sits. Try to find a time when he may be most likely to have a bowel
movement. It helps if you keep a daily toilet diary. Jot down the time of day
that he usually has a bowel movement even if it's outside of the toilet. Have
him sit on the toilet every day at this time. Make the experience positive. You
may want to have some relaxing music playing in the bathroom and have some fun
reading material available for him while he sits on the toilet.
You can also set up a behavior chart for the daily sits. He can earn a sticker
for participating in the toilet sitting and another if he actually poops on the
toilet. Have an incentive that he can earn if he gets a certain number of
stickers. You can also set up a behavior chart for pooping on the toilet at
times other than his daily sit time. Again, he can earn a sticker if he poops in
the toilet and that sticker can also go toward his incentive. Check out our
behavior charts designed for nonretentive encoprsis here.
Also, avoid getting into power struggles with your son over the toilet. Having
bowel movements outside the toilet may be his way of gaining some attention or
control in your family. Just treat the inappropriate pooping in a calm way, have
him clean up, and say something like, "It's too bad that you didn't earn a
sticker on your chart for using the toilet," and leave it at that. If you
lecture him and get upset, then he'll know he's pushing your buttons and that
may be his goal.
Again, a visit to a qualified family counselor may be appropriate for your
family. Kids act out in many different ways when they are trying to adjust to
new living situations. Living between two homes is difficult on top of having to
share your parent with other children. A family therapist can be helpful in
sorting out some of the intense emotions kids and family members feel in this
situation.
I am a working mom whom recently just stop
being a full time mother and returned to work. Both my kids 2 yrs and 3 yrs old
are at the age of building their character. As I am not able to be around all
the time to coach them and discipline them. They started to become very
rebellious and not following proper habits in life. They are taken care by my
Mother in law and maid which I am not able to reply on disciplining my kids. I
feel that I still have to be the person to mould them as they listen to me more
than their father. Is there any ways to equip me in this area. I am going to do
up a behavior chart for my daughter and hope this helps her in her daily routine
when I am not around. Thanks -Agnes, Malaysia
For children this age, it's very normal to see
some acting out as they are becoming more independent and aware of their ability
to make their own choices. You might want to look at a few articles on our
website:
Effective Discipline For Two-Year-Olds,
Giving Consequences To Young Kids And Toddlers,
and Using Effective
Time-Outs. All the articles have some great information and
parenting tips for young children. The best type of discipline for kids this age
is immediate and consistent. Avoid talking too much or trying to explain why
their behavior is not acceptable. They are too young to understand. Time-outs
and behavior charts work very well with this age group. Time-outs are great
tools for unsafe or aggressive behavior such as hitting, biting, or running
away. A time-out gives the child time to cool down until he is ready to join the
group again. When your child is behaving in an unsafe way, you can give him one
warning and say something like, "You need to stop hitting. If you hit again, you
will need to take a time-out". And, if the child hits again put him in time-out
and say, "You chose to hit again. Now you need to take a time-out". Then, don't
talk about it anymore as a child at this young age will not be able to
understand long explanations. Once time-out is over, the child can join the
group and that's that! Again, check out the article mentioned above on
time-outs. It's got some great suggestions on how to give a time-out.
In addition, avoid getting into power struggles with the kids. If you find
yourself getting angry, yelling, or chasing them around then you are losing the
battle. Kids this age will continue to misbehave if they feel that their
behavior is rewarding them in some way. Even negative attention from you is
attention. And considering that you have recently gone back to work, the kids
may be craving some attention, even negative attention. So make sure that you
avoid battling with them, and also set aside some special time to spend with
each child. They may be having a difficult time adjusting to new caregivers.
Make a point to spend some one-on-one time with each child doing activities like
reading, going for walks, or playing a game. You may begin to notice their
behavior calming down after they have adjusted to their new circumstances. Also,
remember to catch them being good. When you see behavior that you like, let them
know. Tell them that they are doing a great job!
Behavior charts can also be effective with kids this age, though the reward
needs to be immediate since they are so young. Also, you should only work on one
behavior at a time so the kids don't become overwhelmed. You may be able to try
two behaviors at a time but no more. And when you see behavior that you like,
the child should receive an immediate reward such as a new sticker on her chart
and/or a treat from a treat bag. The key is that the child receives the reward
immediately. Also, because the kids are so young, you need to focus on very
specific behaviors. For instance, instead of using the behavior "listen to
grandma" you may want to say "pick up toys when grandma tells you to". "Listen
to grandma" is too general and may be confusing to a young child. When the child
picks up the toy, make a big deal, tell her that she did a great job, and mark
her behavior chart with a sticker. At this point, you can also give her a treat
if you wish but in many cases, the sticker is treat enough! You can also make up
a daily routine chart which is more of a checklist than a behavior chart. We
have some daily routine charts
here. This may be a helpful guide for both your
children and their caregivers.
It's important that the other caregivers follow through with the same
consequences and rewards that you use. You need to have a meeting with both and
explain what rewards and consequences that you would like them to use such as
the time-outs and behavior charts. Explain the importance of giving positive
feedback to the kids, and make sure that everybody can be as consistent as
possible. This way, your kids will not try to manipulate the caregivers by
misbehaving when you are gone.
With consistency and patience, you will be able to get a handle on some of those
tricky behaviors! And remember, if you need any new charts or changes to any
existing charts, just let us know!
I have an 8 year old son who is very aggressive
towards his brothers, he lies, does not listen at all to me or anyone of my
family members. He swears alot he is angry alot I feel like I have completely
failed as a mother!!!! Plz help -Charmaine, Canada
Charmaine,
As you are having difficulties with just one child, you may want to examine any
significant life changes that he may have experienced. For instance, has there
been a divorce, move, change of schools, death in the family, new marriage, or
new siblings? Kids all react differently to changes in their lives, and your son
may be acting out some anger and frustration as a result of a significant event
in his life. If you can identify any causes of his behavior, then you can
address those to help get him back on track. In addition, has he always
exhibited difficult behavior or is this something new? If this is new behavior,
then there are definitely some factors in his life contributing to his acting
out. To help you weed through all of this, you may want to seek the help of a
family counselor. A professional can help give support and guidance to your
family as well as helping pinpoint the causes of some of this behavior.
You can address some of the specific behaviors through consequences and behavior
charts. Time-outs are great tools for aggressive behavior...they are not just
for toddlers! When your son displays aggressive behavior, let him know that he
needs to stop the behavior or take a time-out to cool down. We have a great article about
time-outs here. Have your son take a time-out at a specified spot, and when he
is cooled down and ready to stop acting aggressively, he can join the family.
After his time-out, quickly review why he went to time-out and reinforce that
the behavior is not acceptable. Don't lecture or go on and on about the
situation. Make it short and sweet!
Specific behaviors such as lying and swearing can be addressed through behavior
charts. We also have some great articles about
lying and swearing that you may
want to check out. Have your son pick out one of our printable behavior
charts...we have lots of great themes. Then, you and your son decide on a reward
if he completes his chart. If he is having difficulties with swearing and lying
every day, you may want to set up a daily reward. For instance, he can
earn extra computer/tv time for the next day or he can pick a reward out of a
treat bag. We have some reward ideas
here. Or, he can earn a reward if he gets 4
or 5 good days/stickers for the week. You don't want to set him up for failure
in the beginning, so don't expect a perfect week to start. And, if the chart is
not enough motivation in itself, you can eventually set up some consequences in
addition to the chart. If he lies, for example, he doesn't mark his chart and he
also looses some computer/tv time.
Most important, do not get into power struggles with your son. He may be trying
to get some attention through negative behavior. For children, negative
attention can be better than no attention at all. When he misbehaves, again make
it short and sweet. Let him know his consequence and leave it at that. Say
something like, "Well, you didn't earn a sticker today because you lied. Maybe
tomorrow." Don't fight, argue, or get loud with him. This will only exacerbate
his behavior and make you more angry. Take a time-out yourself if you need a
chance to cool down before speaking with him.
Also, try to catch him being good
as much as you can. When parents are continuously dealing with negative
behavior, they sometimes stop noticing positive behavior. Pretty soon, they are
only catching their children behaving badly instead of catching them behaving
positively. No matter how small, try to see his positive behavior. Maybe your
son picked up a gum wrapper and put it in the garbage. Thank him and let him
know you appreciate his efforts to keep things clean. Or, say something like,
"I've noticed that you are getting along with your brothers pretty well.
Thanks!". We have some
"Caught You Coupons" for this purpose. Hand him a coupon
when he is doing a good job. Sometimes all a child needs is positive
reinforcement. That can be a reward in itself, and children will often change
their behavior simply for the reward of positive words from their family
members. And if the situation does not improve or gets worse, you definitely
want to check in with a family counselor. All parents go through rocky periods
with their children. Parenting is tough and sometimes a counselor can help
parents discover how they may be contributing to the behavior. Counselors also
have some great techniques when working with difficult children.
Best of luck and let us know if we can make up any charts for you!
My daughter, 5 years, actually is a good child.
She can follow school and get social life well. She can learn and read
faster than her peers. But how do I get her to do things faster....in all of her
activities... eating, brushing teeth, using socks and shoes, etc. She is less
focused, often changes direction if she sees, looks or hears something around
her. She less motivated herself, too. Thanks -Christina, Indonesia
Christina,
Your daughter sounds like a healthy, bright girl. It's very normal for kids as
young as 5 years old to have difficulty maintaining their attention spans. If
you feel that her distractibility is becoming a problem, you can do a few things
to help guide her. First, stay calm and supportive. Do not lose your temper or
yell at her. If you stay calm, your daughter will be more able to also stay calm and focus on the task at hand. If you lose your temper with her, she may become
upset or flustered and have a more difficult time staying focused. Gently guide her and
prompt her to finish what she starts while stating your expectations clearly.
Next, make sure that the task is not too difficult
for her. Some children seem distracted with difficult tasks as it's easier to
give up and focus on something else than to stick with the task. Make sure that
your expectations for her are realistic and manageable for a child her age. If a
task is too large, break it down into smaller parts that are easier to accomplish.
Be aware of your daughter's energy level, too. If she is tired, she
may have a more difficult time staying focused. As mentioned, be patient with
her.
Also, you may want to try using behavior charts or
checklists to help keep your daughter on track. We have some daily routine
charts on this page.
Or, you can use one of our behavior charts and fill in the desired tasks and
check them off as she completes them. This way, she will feel a sense of
accomplishment every time she finishes a task. You can have her pick out some
special stickers or markers to mark her chart. Every time she accomplishes a
task such as brushing her teeth or putting on socks and shoes, she will get a
new sticker to put on her chart. Kids at this age need immediate rewards so
remember to reward her right after she accomplishes the task...not later in the
day! Let us know, also, if we can make up a special chart for you to suit your
daughter.
And don't forget to give her positive feedback any
chance you get. Let her know that she is doing a great job and remind her of
other times when she has successfully accomplished similar tasks in a timely
manner. You might even want to look at our
"Caught You Coupons". These are
coupons that you can print off and hand out when you feel your daughter is
doing a great job. You can find them
here. Hope that these hints help and
remember that your daughter is right on target for a five-year-old. With your
support and understanding, she'll learn to better focus herself and will most
likely grow out of this behavior.
Ideas for eliminating spitting in the
class-room. Still to work out the reason. Down Syndrome boy aged 5 years 11
months. Have looked at tiredness, wanting to avoid activities, sensory
(possible). Gathering data (again). -Jen, New Zealand
Jen,
As you know, many children with Down Syndrome have better receptive language
skills than expressive. As a result, they may feel incredibly frustrated when
they cannot verbalize information, and they may act out their frustration.
It may be helpful to have some visual cues to help him respond to you. Possibly,
have some pictures representing common responses and situations that he can
point to when trying to communicate. For example, have pictures representing
"I'm bored", "I understand", "I'm angry", "I need to use the bathroom", etc. It
depends on his particular level of communication. We have some feeling charts here which may
help when trying to figure out how he is feeling each day.
A behavior chart may be a fun way to help him
control his spitting. We have added two "I Didn't Spit" charts to our
website. You can find one geared toward the classroom (on
this page) and it's divided into "before lunch" and "after
lunch". Our other chart (on
this page) is a more general chart that can be used in the class
or at home. We would be happy to break the chart down into smaller time periods
if that helps. When he has gone through a day/half a day without spitting, let
him mark his chart and give him a reward. He would need an immediate reward for
the chart to be effective.
Also, You may want to find out if spitting is an issue at home. If it's only
happening at school, then you can narrow down the situations that bring about
the spitting behavior. You may be doing this already, but it would also be a
good idea to keep some notes/written observations and try to detect some type of
pattern to his spitting. You can record things like what time of day he spits,
where is he when he spits, who he is with when he spits, etc. It will be a bit of detective work but questions
like these will help narrow down the reasons why he may be spitting.
Basically, it sounds like you are going in the right direction with helping him
to eliminate this behavior. The best thing you can do is to continue
investigating reasons why he is spitting. Using a feeling chart or some other
form of visuals can help in the process. Then, you can try to modify his
environment so he doesn't experience the triggers which cause the spitting. As
mentioned, a behavior charts may also be effective in helping him control his
behavior.
Best of luck and let us know if we can help in any other way.
